Helpless

Have you ever felt helpless.

One day everything just comes crashing down and you realize you're not following your dreams, you're not loving life, you're feeling like you have no positive impact on the world. You've tried so hard for so long to make everyone happy that you don't know who YOU are anymore?

I once had, what some would call, an eating disorder. I stopped eating...I thought I was not thin enough. I thought that was what the world wanted. I thought that was what my most recent ex wanted. It wasn't. It didn't really matter to him, it didn't matter to anyone.

No one really noticed when I just got a bag of chips at lunch and only ate three or four. No one noticed at after school practices, in class. My mom and dad mentioned I wasn't eating as much but they didn't know I wasn't eating at all.

I hid it because I was ashamed. I was ashamed of what people would think of me, I was ashamed at my reasoning that maybe if I did this, he'd take me back. I was ashamed that I actually thought that it might make me better. One day in the bathroom at school, I passed out from hunger. I quickly recovered, ate a granola bar and went back to class. I was losing weight, my clothes were loose fitting, still no one said anything.

It got to the point one night that I sitting in my room crying my eyes out, thinking that no one would care if I were there or not anymore. I cried out to God to give me an answer and when I opened my eyes, I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't recognize the person that was looking back at me. I knew at that moment, I needed to change or else I would never be able to crawl out of this hole again.

The next day, I got an actual lunch and a couple of my friends told me they were glad to see me eating again. They did notice. They just didn't say anything. I talked to them later on and they said they didn't know how to ask me about it without making it worse or making me mad.

If you have noticed this behavior in a friend, talk to them. You never know when someone's life could change in an instant. Maybe they just needed that one conversation, maybe they need more than that. If someone would have said something to me, maybe it wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did.

We'll never know. I'm much happier with myself now, and I'm glad that I could share this story with you guys. If any of you have ever struggled with body issues, know that you are not alone. You can talk to me, there will be no judgement. If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open.

I hope just by these few words, I was able to help someone talk to someone they think might need it, or help someone who needs it, ask for help. Don't just sit there and drown, save yourself. You are more than worth it. I believe in you. You are loved. You WILL be missed. Someone loves you, just take some time to love yourself and that will become clear.

I love you guys. I hope you have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow

A little bit personal...

For any of you that have ever been the cause of a Parent/Teacher conference, it's always terrifying...but today, I'm going to be on the other side of things. I'm going to my first Parent/Teacher conference that's not about me!

It's equally as terrifying in my mind though because I've never been "great" at being an "adult"...so this should definitely be interesting...

Luckily, it's just Myles' conference. 

Look at that cute little monkey :)

There won't be much to it I'm assuming, but who knows, I could be totally wrong. Should I bring a note pad? I have ADD, should I record the conversation? I KNOW I shouldn't be this nervous, but for someone with pretty severe anxiety when it comes to people in charge, it comes as a challenge.

Even when I was younger, if the person that was in charge got on to me (or even if they were just talking to me) my brain would melt and I would have a meltdown to the point of tears. It was terrible because it happened all the way through college and I would break down into tears after classes with my teacher, even if I was doing amazing in their class.

It even happens now when it comes to my job. I have panic attacks when I'm getting ready to call my boss and tell him I didn't hit the goal for calls that day, or if something came up and I had to leave the house, I cry just thinking about the fact that I have to tell him I missed an hour of calls.

A lot of people don't understand it and I can't make them understand, I don't know if it's a personality thing or maybe there's something in my brain that just can't handle that little bit of stress. It's really frustrating, especially when I get so upset that I forget to do things. I forget to file reports or call back the people that I have scheduled to call. 

When that happens and I remember later, I get mad at myself and break myself down. No one normal does this. If you had a normal brain, this wouldn't happen. Why in the world would anyone want to interact with someone who can't hold a conversation without looking away. You're not supposed to cry when you get a critique, you're supposed to take it and use it...

Dealing with ADD and anxiety, going on and off medication for them, it's not easy. I know there are many people out there that think ADD isn't as serious as people make it out to be, and some times there are different cases, but if you think you have ADD or your child has ADD, please take them to the Doctor at least to be tested. It could help tremendously in school and social life.

Be watchful if they are given medication for ADD or ADHD. There are different side effects with each medication but I went through a period where I only wanted to be in my room. I didn't talk to my friends, I barely talked to my family and I almost never ate. I went a month with this behavior before I was switched to a different medication that actually worked for me. I was finally able to focus when teachers were talking, I was doing better in classes that I was completely failing, I was getting my friends back and gaining new ones.

Unfortunately, I'm not on that medication any more. I can still make friends pretty easily but sometimes it's hard to focus and my anxiety gets pretty bad sometimes. I think these two coincide and maybe some day I can find a way to combat both things. But as for now, I'm still adjusting.

If you have any more questions for me about my experience with ADD or anxiety, you can ask me in the comments below or you can message me on Facebook.

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On a lighter note, I did get my hair chopped off last night and so far, I love it. It's nice to be able to run my fingers through it. :)

Tell me what you guys think in the comments below!

I hope you guys have a wonderful day and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

Long Haul

Another day, another post I almost forgot to write... : / sorry guys.

So, for these past two days, Christopher and I have been on the road to and from Illinois. Our business requires us to travel some times and yesterday was no exception. We visited a couple libraries in Illinois and had to stay the night in a hotel.

Christopher and I love the times when we can just stop off at a hotel if we're tired of driving and just relax. We don't have to worry about dishes or laundry, we can just relax.

If you guys ever have a free night, take a road trip a couple hours down the road, eat at a place you've never heard of and book a hotel for the night. Bring your laptop and watch some Netflix, sit on the bed and eat some pizza, tell some jokes or just sit and talk. It's amazing how being in a different setting will open up the conversation and make the evening more interesting.

And if you guys are anything like us, three straight hours of driving, calling, emailing and laughing really wears you out so, we're gonna take a nap!

Oh! One of my best friends is coming over tomorrow and I have a request! If you guys have an amazing chicken recipe, please send it to me on facebook or share it in the comments below! :)

Thank you guys,
I hope you have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow :)

"I RUINED EVERYTHING!"

Ok, so I asked on Facebook what you guys would like to hear about today. It was between 20 questions about me (boring) or our Engagement story :) and guess which one won!

So, it was getting to the middle of December and we had talked about getting married in passing and I had hinted about some rings to him but he always said, we'll know when it's time. I thought that meant another couple months or even a year! I was so wrong...

I was at work a little late on December 19th and I was in sweat pants and a hoodie. I didn't have any makeup on and I just wanted to go home. It had been a long day and I was just ready to relax with my boyfriend and his kids. But, he called me to the church to work on a worship set for Sunday. usually we would work on it throughout the week but it had been such a busy week that we were doing it a little last minute. I walked into the basement of the church and right then I should have suspected something. No kids. They were always downstairs waiting for me to get there but I wasn't thinking. I just wanted to get to some place warm so I could cuddle up and forget about the day.

I start walking upstairs then I started running. Someone was crying and it sounded like Myles. I burst through the doors and found him in the fetal position in a back pew. Not even looking up, I crouched next to him and said, "buddy, what's wrong?" (I later found out that he was crying because his sister had sat on his head -_-) He looked me right in the face and started crying harder then said, "I RUINED EVERYTHING!" What is he talking about I thought as I looked up and saw the other two holding signs that said "YOU" and "MARRY." I looked up at Chris who was standing at the communion table and I finally figured out what was going on.

"DANGIT!" Christopher said. I was still in shock when I turned to Myles and said, "Hey, you didn't ruin anything. But I need you to do me a favor." He nodded his head and wiped the tears off his face.
"I need you to get up, stand in your spot and tell me when to come upstairs so I don't come up to early again, okay?" He smiled, nodded and ran to his spot with his sign that said "WILL."

I walked half-way down the stairs. My heart was pounding. I thought I was going to faint when I heard Myles yell, "OKAY LYDIA, WE'RE READY!"

I pushed open the door to see four of the happiest faces I've ever seen. Myles' little tear stained smile, Sadie's giggle and Bodyn's beautiful grin were nothing compared to the giant smile I saw on my soon to be fiance's face.

Unfortunately, I can't remember if he said anything after that. All I remember was shaking my head yes and nothing has been the same since.

Whenever I would tell that story to people, they would laugh and say, "Well, that didn't turn out as planned." And I'd say, nope, but it wouldn't have been like our family to get it right the first time. :)

It was perfect and I couldn't have asked for a better proposal. So, for all of you out there hoping for the perfect proposal, remember, if it's the right person and the right time, then it'll be perfect no matter what.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow :)

Dadurday: The Husband Responds!

I like this idea.

Not only the part where my wife tells everyone the story of our relationship as we go through it, or the part where she goes on and on about how awesome our kids (she went over the our thing, right?) are.

I get the opportunity to make a post which leads with a Dad Joke.

Dadurday was my idea.  When Lydia shared with me that she was writing a blog, I was like, 'Hey!  I should do a post on there like once a week where I give my point of view!'

I have a big mouth.

I am so incredibly proud of my wife.  She has taken on this task, and is not only doing it, but is doing it well.  You guys have responded really well, and people are reading!  Which is amazing.

Because she is amazing. This week, on Wednesday, we all traveled over to my mom and dad's place for Taco Night.  When we arrived, I found my mother is a state of severe confusion and agitation.  She's been having these spells for some time, and doctors are still struggling to discover why it is happening.  I sent Lydia and the kids on to her mom's, called 911, and proceeded to deal with the situation at hand.

I was able to deal with the immediate emergency because I had a partner to help.  I had someone who was not only there and ready, but happy and willing.

She took over all of the parenting duties for the next 48 hours, as I had to be with my mom in the hospital.  My dad would have loved to help, I'm sure, but he was being discharged from the same ER we arrived at on Wednesday, being that he'd just flipped his concrete truck earlier that day!  It was the perfect storm of just absolute chaos.  Through it all, Lydia was firm, strong, and able.  It was a beautiful thing.

She took on a lot when she took us on as a family.  She's younger than me, she was getting three kids, and she was getting a husband that, statistically, wasn't doing so hot on the whole marriage front.  Indeed, I spent the entire first date telling her she was making a mistake.

I hope she keeps making it.  Because this has been a beautiful, crazy, wonderful run, and its only two months in!

I'm sure these posts will get less sappy as time goes on, and I'll respond to the actual things my wife is writing during the week, but come on--how could I not take my first opportunity to post to brag on my beautiful amazing wife?

I mean, think of the brownie points alone!

Til next week,

Christopher

Being the Wife of an Addict

Good morning everyone, I hope you are all having an amazing morning.

We're still moving a little slow from our trip to the hospital. Christopher got home some time around 12:30 last night and we're kinda dragging today.

Alright, I'm sure you're curious about the title. Some of you might not know but Christopher is an addict.

Not a practicing addict, mind you. But an addict none the less. He was addicted to over the counter, prescription drugs and alcohol. Now, I wouldn't be a good wife if I didn't brag on him a little bit. He has been clean and sober for 4 1/2 years now. :)

He even quit smoking a couple months after we started dating. Now, if that's not something to be proud of, I don't know what is.

To answer some of your questions:

I love the husband I have now. Do I love the things he did in the past? No. Are they in the past? Yes. Forgive and forget.

Would I stay with him if it happened again, I would try every outlet to help...but if that didn't work, if he chose narcotics over me or our family, I would definitely leave.

Have I ever done drugs? No, I've been around people that smoke and I do have the occasional drink.

Do I drink around him? I tend not to, but there are times (when we're out with friends, we're at a concert, or if we're at Buffalo Wild Wings and we're watching the Cardinals or the Blues) when I always ask first. If he says no, I completely understand and I don't drink that night. The last thing I want to do is make him uncomfortable.

Is he okay with you drinking when he's not around? If I go to the bar or if I'm with friends, all he cares about is me getting home safely. I don't go out much so he understands that when I'm out, I do drink. But he trusts me to make wise decisions and get back home to him with a sober driver.

Has he ever mentioned wanting to try drugs or alcohol again? Everyone has one of those days where all you want to do is go home and have a beer or a cigarette (if you smoke, I've never wanted to smoke a cigarette). So, yes, there has been times where he says, "man, I could use a cigarette." Or, "That beer looks tasty." Always joking, mostly. Sometimes it's scary, sometimes I can't tell if he's joking. We haven't had any slip-up's yet so...let's keep it that way.

Does he go to meetings? He used to, and I would go with him. Granted, I don't have a drinking or drug problem, but the meetings I went to were open and I went for nothing but support for him. I enjoyed the meetings and the people there. For all of you wondering what they are like, it's not an interrogation. You messed up, but you're here trying to do something about it. Good for you. Come celebrate life and recovery with us.

When I met him, he was clean and sober. Would things have been different if he wasn't? Absolutely. I think God brought us together at just the right time and said, "This is unexpected and weird...let's try it." Well, so far it's working. :)

If you guys have any questions for Christopher or about Christopher, please leave them in the comments. Tomorrow is Saturday so he will be home. I asked him, since I was doing this post today if he would tell his story and answer any questions you have for him. He agreed to it :) so please ANYTHING you have to ask, please ask it. He's an open book.

Thanks for reading today guys, I hope you have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow :)

Don't Panic

I've always been a bit of a worrier, so when I hear "don't panic"...I do the exact opposite.
I wish I didn't worry so much because I honestly think it takes days off my life.

But yesterday, as I sitting in the waiting room of a hospital, I did nothing but worry.
Yep, we had a code red emergency yesterday. Two of my in-laws were taken to the hospital.

Luckily my mom saved the day. As I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, my mother graciously took the kids so Christopher and I could go to the hospital.

Everyone's fine and we're running tests but we would still appreciate thoughts and prayers. :)

Step Monster's

HOW TO SURVIVE AN EMERGENCY SITUATION 101:

1- Have a loved one with a level head. (My mom in this case)

2- Remind yourself to breathe (In...and out)

3- Always remember to eat (An empty stomach makes any situation worse, especially an emergency)

4- Have super amazing kids that just go with the flow (Usually they don't like the flow, but today, they were so good.)

5- Never ever EVER suffer through an emergency by yourself. (Life is hard enough in itself, throw an emergency in the mix...you're guaranteed to lose your mind.)

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So with the craziness of the events last night and Christopher and I getting home at the butt crack of dawn, I'm kickin' it at home with these crazy kiddos. We knew with their nana in the hospital, they weren't getting any sleep and they wouldn't want to be at school not knowing anything.

So cuddling and movies are on the agenda today. :)

I hope you guys have a wonderful day and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

Ready Made Family

Hey guys,

Today I'm going to talk about something I've been asked about a lot since I started dating Christopher. I've gotten questions like "how did you feel about him already having kids?" or "what happens if you want your own kids?" or "how do you like your ready-made family?"

Well, to answer the first question, I was ecstatic. I love kids to begin with (especially well behaved ones like ours.) Yes, I said ours. I know that sounds weird and I get weird looks from people all the time for saying things like "oh no, our kids are with their mom."
Yep, I'm a step mom. So I'm going to love them, discipline them and talk about them the same way I would treat the kids that we'll have.

Yes, I said it. The kids that we will make. We plan on having kids. Together. How many? I don't know. I definitely don't think I'm ready for a Noah's Ark Situation. I mean heck, I have a Kia Soul. You can only fit so many people in that clown car and they're squished as it is. And if you had any doubts that the kids would even want another sibling, just ask their mom. They never stop talking about their new baby sister. I mean, I don't blame them. She's a sweet heart and an absolute doll. So, I think I'll be okay if we have just one. I know he or she will have some amazing siblings to look up to. :)

As for my little "ready-made" family, I love it. It gives me a chance to try out the teens before we get to the terrible two's. And I could not ask for three better kids to give my love and support to. I have found myself more than a few times holding a crying child that I never thought would come to me for anything. I drop them off every morning for school and I get a kiss from each one of them as the jump out of the car. (Don't worry, I'm stopped...most of the time) :)

I'm cutting this one short this morning because there are two little goofballs that are going to make us late for school unless they get their butts in gear.

I hope you have a wonderful day and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

A Little About Me

Alright guys,
I noticed my about me was a little scarce in that last post, so I'll tell you some more about me and then we can get back to important things like Family, Friends and stuff I've found on Pinterest that I don't think is going to work. :)

Let's start at the beginning. I was born in June of 1991 to Norma and Patrick Guyot, the most amazing parents anyone could ever ask for. I have one sibling, a brother, Nick. I know I couldn't live without him because I can't and don't want to imagine my life without him being there for me. I was born and raised in a small town about 45 minutes outside of Saint Louis, MO and I'm still here.
Everyone thinks, I'm gonna grow up and get the heck out of here...I'm just not ready to do either of those things yet. :)

I wasn't the most popular kid in school but I was one of those kids that had friends in every kind of group. I had lots of friends and that mattered much more to me than being a "popular" kid.
I liked a lot of my teachers too. I can't really think of a teacher I didn't like. They all were extremely helpful in making me who I am today.

I got through school with average grades. I thought I was going to be a forensic scientist. If I would have pushed myself a little harder, I could have done a lot better. You can ask my mom, I was a very laid back kid. I didn't really ever stress about anything. I can't think of one time in school that I stressed out about anything other than getting to my extra curricular activities on time.
I was in choir, show choir, I had solos and ensembles and I was in color guard. I wasn't really a sports person. I liked playing volleyball but only once and a while at the Sand Lot. After school was busy most of the year for me.

After I graduated in 2009, I went to a community college near by and took my basic classes and I also took photography. If you know anything about me, it's that I take pictures of just about anything. I love photography because if you have a good eye, you can change the way people see the world.
So in college, I thought I was going to be a photographer. I took pictures of babies and flowers and weddings and people and...well, anything.


During college, I was running low on funds so I started applying for jobs. January, 20th 2010, I got my first job at a Sprint store in town. It wasn't anything special but I learned a lot, did a good job and found my best friends in the world while working there. Four and a half years later, I'm getting married and moving on to a different job but I won't ever forget what I learned from my first job. I do not enjoy working with the public.

Now, I work with my husband, for a company that sells books to libraries. Gumdrop Books. It's the job that allows me to work in my pajamas basically. :) I call librarians and set up appointments for Chris to go to and sell that library the books they need for that year.

Speaking of my husband, we started dating in April of 2012. We got engaged in December of 2013 and got married July 19th, 2014. Now I have 3 busy step kids, a new car and a new house that I should clean every day. Emphasis on should.



Life is good, life is great. And I thank God for mine every day, no matter how crazy it gets.

If anyone has a suggestion about what I should write about tomorrow, or if you have any questions for me, let me know in the comments below. :)

Have a great day and I'll see you tomorrow.