Helpless

Have you ever felt helpless.

One day everything just comes crashing down and you realize you're not following your dreams, you're not loving life, you're feeling like you have no positive impact on the world. You've tried so hard for so long to make everyone happy that you don't know who YOU are anymore?

I once had, what some would call, an eating disorder. I stopped eating...I thought I was not thin enough. I thought that was what the world wanted. I thought that was what my most recent ex wanted. It wasn't. It didn't really matter to him, it didn't matter to anyone.

No one really noticed when I just got a bag of chips at lunch and only ate three or four. No one noticed at after school practices, in class. My mom and dad mentioned I wasn't eating as much but they didn't know I wasn't eating at all.

I hid it because I was ashamed. I was ashamed of what people would think of me, I was ashamed at my reasoning that maybe if I did this, he'd take me back. I was ashamed that I actually thought that it might make me better. One day in the bathroom at school, I passed out from hunger. I quickly recovered, ate a granola bar and went back to class. I was losing weight, my clothes were loose fitting, still no one said anything.

It got to the point one night that I sitting in my room crying my eyes out, thinking that no one would care if I were there or not anymore. I cried out to God to give me an answer and when I opened my eyes, I looked in the mirror and realized I didn't recognize the person that was looking back at me. I knew at that moment, I needed to change or else I would never be able to crawl out of this hole again.

The next day, I got an actual lunch and a couple of my friends told me they were glad to see me eating again. They did notice. They just didn't say anything. I talked to them later on and they said they didn't know how to ask me about it without making it worse or making me mad.

If you have noticed this behavior in a friend, talk to them. You never know when someone's life could change in an instant. Maybe they just needed that one conversation, maybe they need more than that. If someone would have said something to me, maybe it wouldn't have gotten as bad as it did.

We'll never know. I'm much happier with myself now, and I'm glad that I could share this story with you guys. If any of you have ever struggled with body issues, know that you are not alone. You can talk to me, there will be no judgement. If you need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open.

I hope just by these few words, I was able to help someone talk to someone they think might need it, or help someone who needs it, ask for help. Don't just sit there and drown, save yourself. You are more than worth it. I believe in you. You are loved. You WILL be missed. Someone loves you, just take some time to love yourself and that will become clear.

I love you guys. I hope you have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow

SORRY!!! :/

I'm so sorry for not posting all weekend. Unfortunately I think that's how it's going to start being.

Every day is a huge commitment and sometimes I can't post until 10 o clock at night and then I'm lucky if anyone gets around to reading them.

So, I'm going to leave it up to you guys. Either I can write Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday...
Or I can write Monday through Friday.

Either way, I'm taking two days off...sorry, this is getting to be a lot and we're getting super busy!

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But now, I'm going to write my actual blog. :)

Friday morning the kids had friends over so I had six giggling, screaming bodies here other than me.

First, they did the baby food challenge. There were gross ones and good ones, like spinach and potato and strawberry banana. Wouldn't you know it, I bought more bad than good. Oops ;)

Next they did chubby bunny...which is probably the most fun, gross game you could ever play. NEVER play it inside...
Bethany got 12 in her mouth. I'm sure her mother is so proud. :)

Then, the did the egg roulette challenge like I promised...but I have apparently forgotten how to hard boil eggs so once we got through a couple of eggs the kids said, "did you hard boil ANY of these?!"
Ummm...apparently not. The whites were semi-solid and the yolks were still runny so it ended up being a 'let's make a mess' game. Which I'm totally fine with because they were outside!

After their friends left, they got into some comfy clothes and went with my mom and dad to do some camping. I'll sure more marshmallows was ALL they needed. I'll surprised they went to sleep!

Only Sadie stuck it out and slept outside with Grandpa Pat. She's our trooper, that's for sure.

And the next morning she asked for hot sauce on her eggs. I'm pretty sure she's the favorite grandchild in dad's book. :)

Then we went to Sadie's soccer game, they won 9-0! She's progressed so much with the help of her coach, I'm so glad she's on his team. He's a great soccer player and an even better coach. Sadie has been learning a lot this year, rather than the keep away she's played in the past. She has learned actual plays and helps a lot defensively :)

After that, we had about an hour to chill, I took a nap. I was exhausted...

Then, we went to rehearsal for Sunday's worship set, picked up another one of Sadie's friends and headed out to our church's fall festival.

The next morning we woke up early and headed to church, sang our songs and in the middle of service, I had to take the kids to the soccer fields, we had another game to get to. This one was INTENSE. Chris and I almost had heart attacks. But, in the end, they won! That meant that our last game would be at 2 o'clock that day, so we had to go get lunch and come back.

The last game was even worse because we were playing for 1st! Unfortunately, in the last half, we lost the game. But we can't complain about 2nd place! The girls did an amazing job this year and we couldn't be more proud of all their hard work and perseverance.

THEN, after we gave the kids to their mom, we went to another fall festival. This time it was for our old church, we so desperately missed everyone there that we almost cried when we pulled in.

We played some games, ate some delicious food and then parted ways. I'm sure we'll make it around again soon. :)

Anyways, that was our busy weekend, I hope you enjoyed yours as much as I enjoyed mine.

I hope you have a wonderful day, I'll see you tomorrow :)

Fun, friends and half boiled eggs

For any of you that didn't know, my page got over 2,000 VIEWS!

So, like I said, the kids did a challenge...actually, they did THREE!

First, they did the baby food challenge. There were more gross ones than good ones, like spinach and potato...blech. They did them and then I did them.

Then they did chubby bunny....I honestly thought I could fit more than 8 marshmallows in my mouth...I was so wrong

And finally they did the egg roulette challenge...which turned out to be a bunch of raw and half boiled eggs...all of them had runny yolks... :/ it was pretty gross.

I just got home from Brianna's Norwex party, which I'm having one of my own! She sold me on it.

Now Chris and I are sitting here eating dinner, the kids are at my parent's house camping out and I can finally breathe :)

All in all, it was a pretty wonderful day if you ask me.

I hope you guys had a wonderful day and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

A little bit personal...

For any of you that have ever been the cause of a Parent/Teacher conference, it's always terrifying...but today, I'm going to be on the other side of things. I'm going to my first Parent/Teacher conference that's not about me!

It's equally as terrifying in my mind though because I've never been "great" at being an "adult"...so this should definitely be interesting...

Luckily, it's just Myles' conference. 

Look at that cute little monkey :)

There won't be much to it I'm assuming, but who knows, I could be totally wrong. Should I bring a note pad? I have ADD, should I record the conversation? I KNOW I shouldn't be this nervous, but for someone with pretty severe anxiety when it comes to people in charge, it comes as a challenge.

Even when I was younger, if the person that was in charge got on to me (or even if they were just talking to me) my brain would melt and I would have a meltdown to the point of tears. It was terrible because it happened all the way through college and I would break down into tears after classes with my teacher, even if I was doing amazing in their class.

It even happens now when it comes to my job. I have panic attacks when I'm getting ready to call my boss and tell him I didn't hit the goal for calls that day, or if something came up and I had to leave the house, I cry just thinking about the fact that I have to tell him I missed an hour of calls.

A lot of people don't understand it and I can't make them understand, I don't know if it's a personality thing or maybe there's something in my brain that just can't handle that little bit of stress. It's really frustrating, especially when I get so upset that I forget to do things. I forget to file reports or call back the people that I have scheduled to call. 

When that happens and I remember later, I get mad at myself and break myself down. No one normal does this. If you had a normal brain, this wouldn't happen. Why in the world would anyone want to interact with someone who can't hold a conversation without looking away. You're not supposed to cry when you get a critique, you're supposed to take it and use it...

Dealing with ADD and anxiety, going on and off medication for them, it's not easy. I know there are many people out there that think ADD isn't as serious as people make it out to be, and some times there are different cases, but if you think you have ADD or your child has ADD, please take them to the Doctor at least to be tested. It could help tremendously in school and social life.

Be watchful if they are given medication for ADD or ADHD. There are different side effects with each medication but I went through a period where I only wanted to be in my room. I didn't talk to my friends, I barely talked to my family and I almost never ate. I went a month with this behavior before I was switched to a different medication that actually worked for me. I was finally able to focus when teachers were talking, I was doing better in classes that I was completely failing, I was getting my friends back and gaining new ones.

Unfortunately, I'm not on that medication any more. I can still make friends pretty easily but sometimes it's hard to focus and my anxiety gets pretty bad sometimes. I think these two coincide and maybe some day I can find a way to combat both things. But as for now, I'm still adjusting.

If you have any more questions for me about my experience with ADD or anxiety, you can ask me in the comments below or you can message me on Facebook.

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On a lighter note, I did get my hair chopped off last night and so far, I love it. It's nice to be able to run my fingers through it. :)

Tell me what you guys think in the comments below!

I hope you guys have a wonderful day and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

New things...

I'm not usually one to be terrified of change...but when it comes to the length of my hair...I'm literally terrified...

I've had long hair for the entirety that the kids have known me and today, I'm gonna cut it off.

I'm excited, but I'm also scared to death. I know that it'll probably grow back to the length it is now but it's gonna take so long :(

But then I think aboht how long it takes me to brush my hair on a normal day...if I've driven with the Windows down that day, it takes a little over 30 minutes to brush the tangles out.

I have thick hair...very thick hair. I have NO IDEA where it came from but it's there and now it won't be there after 1:30 today.

Yikes.

Pray for me that I don't start crying in the salon chair...and I'll post a picture of my new hairstyle tomorrow.

I hope you guys have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow :)

Living my life on a Charter Bus...

So, my middle school and high school life consisted of choir, show choir....and some other stuff. I absolutely love music and I couldn't imagine my life without it.

We're at a choir concert tonight and it's gotten to the point to where there's no one I'm related to that I get to come and see...I'm just coming for fun. :)

I love the fact that we have such an amazing music program. It makes me really happy that my step kids and future kids get to participate and have such a wonderful opportunity.

My choir directors have definitely had a hand in making me the person I am today. Without them, I wouldn't have traveled like I did, I wouldn't have made the same friends and I definitely wouldn't have met my husband.

My middle school director, Cathy Whitworth instilled in me a love of being on a stage filled with lights.

My high school director, Andrew Drinkall gave me the courage to sing out loud and shaped my voice to where it was comfortable.

My husband taught me that I sounded pretty good by myself, but, with the right voice...we made a great combo. :)

So, I have to say, music had a great impact and brought great things to my life.

So I'm gonna go, the music's about to start.
I hope you guys had a wonderful day and I'll see you guys tomorrow :)

RUNNING! MADNESS! DRIVING FAST!

You know those times when you're doing something important and you lose track of time? Sometimes it's ok and no big deal. Sometimes, you almost forget to pick up your step kids from school.

Yeah. So that happened. I have an alarm on my phone that goes off everyday. 45 mjnutes before they get out of school. That gives me time to come back to earth from work mode and kinda chillax before I have three tornadoes of energy enter my life again. :)

But, that alarm didn't go off today. I don't know why but I was still in work mode when I looked over and saw that it was 3:00. Usually I leave the house around 2:45, I pick them up at 3:30 and we head home. I get there early so I don't have to wait to pick them up. If I'm in the front of the line, they jump in and I drive off. I don't have to wait or anything. It's nice.

I am here to tell you that God was smiling on me today. I'm still in the front of the line! Thank you Lord.

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Ok, so today I noticed that I am up to 1,800 page views. Holy Moses.

I've decided that if we can get it up to 2,000 before the kids go back to their mom's on Sunday, I'm gonna have them do a challenge and I'll post it on here. You can comment below with any of the funny challenges you've seen on youtube (the egg roulette challenge, the smoothie challenge, the baby food challenge-just to name a few. If you haven't seen these, go look some up on youtube!)

So yeah, share this on your Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, MySpace, Bebo, Facetime....whatever you do....and we could have the kids do some pretty funny stuff!

I hope you guys have a wonderful day and I'll see you tomorrow :)